The Pressure for Normal

Not only am I a counselor. I am also a minister, and part of your job title is doing weddings. Several months before my bypass I had agreed to perform the wedding ceremony for two wonderful couples.  One of the young women had been a student of mine when I taught in a private high school. The other had been the maid of honor at my daughter's wedding. The only catch was that I was living in Knoxville and both weddings were to be in Memphis, and they were both on the same day. I got together with both couples and everything looked like it was going to work out when I found out that one wedding would be an afternoon affair and the other would be in the evening.  Then my near heart attack happened followed by the surgery all exactly one four weeks before the weddings.  My wife told me that she would call the two couples assuring me they would understand, which of course they would. I asked her not to call because I thought I could still do the weddings. She said I was crazy. I told her that I wanted to get back to normal as soon as possible. I still don't know why I put so much pressure on myself to "get back to normal." What happened in four weeks?  I went to Memphis and performed tow wedding ceremonies. I still remember how it felt to push yourself too far. I was so exhausted, but I did it, but instead of making me feel better it actually had the opposite effect. I became consumed with getting back to normal not knowing that there was a new normal out there that I couldn't find for looking for the old normal. I hope I haven't been too confusing, but I know now that deep down I was scared that I would be viewed as some kind of cripple if I didn't do all the things I did before.  There is the healing of the body, and there is a timetable for that. There is also a healing of the mind, and the timetable for that is often very different.